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Had one of those special days in which emergencies and terrible news presented themselves. It seems to increase with the Christmas season. Everything gets bigger, more dramatic and final in peoples' minds. The end of the year, a chapter, a relationship, job...
A close friend's mother had a stroke a few days ago. The entire family has pulled together and efficiently tended to all that needed tending. They are upset, argue lots, are scared. But they also recognize that this is temporary - she will improve, the family business will be handled, they will stop being as unhappy and anxious as they are now, things will get better.
My own mother has less immediate yet serious and painful health problems. We are concerned about her well being too. But she can function to a point and can and does enjoy life for the most part.
Isn't that really enough to be grateful for? No one is perfect, few are 100% healthy, can't think of a single person who is completely satisfied with where they are right now in life. We all have goals and expectations; good things that keep us going, growing, improving. But we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. We can't assume that we will all live to be 70 or 80 yrs old, most people don't. We may or may not get that job/promotion/partner/perfect body/car/house, whatever it is that we feel we need to be happy/perfect/settled/accomplished.
Just went to top up my cup of tea and stepped into dog pee- really. Decided to add honey to my tea and change sock/clean up and not get upset about it.
Point is, life isn't perfect, neither are we. Perfect people are dull, perfect lives teach us nothing. Dog pee is wet. ;0
Right.
Pets keep me humble, even when I am in mid-ramble about the meaning of life, the universe and tuna fish ;) Sharing an epiphany with a wet sock, not how I saw my day wrapping up.
Where was I? Imperfection....be happy today...no tomorrows...things get better. Okay, no joy/sorrow/pain or pleasure last indefinitely. They are temporary emotions and sensations. We forget pain so quickly it is amazing, a great gift of the brain. Unfortunately it is also difficult to perfectly recall and re-experience pleasure. So I play a game, forget bad (much as possible) focus on and remember good. It's a way of cheating a bit more happiness for myself.
This evening I received a call from someone very close to me (call her X). She was in the ER, blood, pain- very scary stuff. I got there as soon as possible. I calmed myself and others down by emphasizing that, frightening as things seemed, chances were that it would be temporary. Most things are temporary, few things last forever. Most pain and illness are manageable and curable. If this weren't true we'd have far fewer people in existence and more would be limping and complaining ;) Hey, I've had my share of pain and illness! Today I feel pretty good (tired, allergies are acting up but okay overall), today is the day that matters.
After filling my bag with everything I could think of: cash in case we needed meds or a cab or food, a banana, bottle of water, various OTC meds, book, notepad, extra sweater, Kleenex, I got to the ER. X was crying, looked like she was in pain. She confided that she and Y, her boyfriend, where having problems. So he got sent off and X and I had a chat.
I listened to X for a long time and asked questions when I needed clarity. Kept my mind open and really listened to what she felt and not simply what she said. She was very confused and upset. A lot of stressful things had happened in her life recently and this illness was the last straw. She was ready to leave Y for various reasons. She asked me to help. I asked, "Why are you focusing on Y when you are in the ER? What about your health?" Her focus remained on Y, so I went to confront him about her concerns. Seemed like the best thing I could do to help her feel better so I did it.
Y said his piece and I concluded that he really does love X and that some of her negative feelings towards him were coming from outside of the relationship. She seemed to be deflecting immediate and overwhelming concerns onto the relationship- a safe place that she feels she can control more than she can the other things that were bothering her. It took hours of relationship counseling in the ER but we worked things out! Yay!
X's bleeding and pain subsided. After the counseling session she felt much better. Her anxiety was reduced. She was lowest priority in the ER and other people kept getting taken in before her. It was obvious that she would not be seen by a nurse for many more hours, at which point the test results would require a few more hours delay at which point the Dr would tell her to see her Dr tomorrow. There is not much they can do in an ER for the symptoms she had.
So we had the nurse check her pulse, temperature and blood pressure (all normal) and left. At this point X needed a hot shower, food and rest more than anything else. Her blood sugar had dropped and her pain had faded but she was feeling unwell due to a lack of food. Y and I fed her, they dropped me off at home. Both thanked me for the counseling session. X had been ready to stay with me for a bit rather than go home with Y. I was sooo happy to see that she wanted to go home with him. I had really helped :)
The relationship problems are on their way to being improved, they are together. X is not in pain but will see her Dr and work on figuring out what went wrong. Everyone had something to eat, even mom since I brought her something as well.
Mom is upstairs playing with the dog, sounding pretty silly ;P
The cat is purring in my lap.
My socks will get washed.
Will try to go with X to the Dr.
X and Y are sleeping in the same bed, probably holding each other. It is obvious that they love each other very much.
Temporary bad things.
Love, friends, family, pets... not so temporary.
Wow. What a day. Teary eyed. Grateful for and looking forward to tomorrow.
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Dear Ms. Jefferies continues to live in the local park. It's getting too cold for her to be able to safely sleep outside and I am worried. She once again rejected my offer of a warm blanket. She liked the burgundy one I'd brought for her earlier (she said she didn't need it but she liked it). I could not locate it (big move related mess) so I presented her with another blanket of the same material but a different colour and it simply would not do. She is still quite particular. On the bright side she is enjoying one of the sweaters I gave her, it suits her well and she wears it often. She's miraculously managed to keep herself well and neatly put together. All of her gold and diamond jewelery has remained on her person. Not only has she managed to keep her jewelry (the neighborhood has obviously changed even more than I realized) she appears to be unharassed by the local trouble makers. I believe that she has befriended them. She is an enigma. Ms J and I have had a few more conversations. She is a singer/song writer. She was kind enough to sing for me. We both enjoy the music of The Sounds of Blackness gospel choir and she sang one of their songs, Optimistic. It's an old favorite of mine and worth looking up on youtube. She also does a great job with Whitney Houston's material. I suggested that she could make some money by taking on some students as a vocal coach. I also directed her to a nearby artists' colony where she could find a room for very little money and meet other artists. I mentioned that it is possible that the head of the colony would let out a room in trade for services. At least one other resident compensates by doing odd jobs and chores around the building. This place is only 2 blocks away from the park but she has not gone. I even offered to introduce her myself but she was very hesitant. Ms. J seems to believe that she must suffer at this time in order to gain some sort of karmic brownie points that will translate into her suddenly finding success in the song writing field. She says that some of the songs she has written are currently being played and promoted by popular artists. She hopes that any day now she will be handed a nice big royalty check. She is constantly talking about other artists who hit rock bottom before rising to fame and fortune. I fear that she is prolonging her homelessness by failing to seek help because she believes that she is earning her reward(s) through suffering. Her faith remains strong, she remains optimistic. This is beautiful but the reality is that she cannot give in to her current situation. Winter is approaching. Ms. J has a 12 yr old son. He seems to be with family and may not know that his mother is homeless. Ms. Jefferies worked as a home care assistant for 17 yrs and has helped many people during difficult times. Every shelter or church I mention she has already visited or is not interested in. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether or not she is being honest with me. One night she seemed to be quite high. She was extremely hyper and talkative, uncharacteristically so. I do not begrudge her what little joy she can experience. I do wonder how much longer she can go on this way. I gave her a small amount of money and she swore that she'd spend it on food. I still feel that she will pull through at the end of the day. Something about this woman encourages my own faith - in her, in humanity, in dreams. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm not sure why it is so. I am moving in a few days. Perhaps something will change for her before I leave. Perhaps I will come up with a brilliant idea that can help her. Ideas and suggestions are welcome. I am not okay with doing nothing. Current Mood: determined
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Oh yes, I just coined a new phrase. Phoenix people- those who just keep on rising up no matter how often or how hard life smacks them down.
For over a month now, I've noticed a homeless woman in the local park where I walk my dog. The first time I saw her I thought that she was traveling (she has a large suitcase with her) and on her way to a job interview - she was dressed in a smart beige suit and very well groomed. She looked like she was ready to take on the world and win.
She was there the next day, on the same bench. In a different outfit, looking lovely, with her suitcase. Then I noticed that she'd locked her suitcase to a fence with a metal chain so that no one could steal it from her. This seemed very odd.
Eventually I worked out that the park had become her temporary home. She was always well groomed and would smile at and/or greet nearly everyone in the park. She is young, attractive, her clothes are nice. It seemed that she'd hit a rough spot but would be on her feet in no time.
But time passed, weeks. Finally, this morning I approached her. I mentioned that it was getting cold and offered to get her a blanket from my home. We spoke for a while. She insisted that she was fine and that I shouldn't bother because she'd be off the streets by tomorrow. I asked if she'd contacted various shelters, she had but they were not helpful or to her liking. The name she gave me is Mrs. Jefferies. She's a fairly private person and so I didn't ask too many questions. I just wanted to help her in any way I could and did not want to pry. I don't know why she is homeless.
Mrs. J is attractive, intelligent and literate (we talked about books and I brought her some). She shared tips on grooming and vitamins with me. She is very dignified and polite. Her faith is enormous - she is certain that all will work out for the best and that God will provide. I could see how her faith was keeping her sane and strong during this difficult time. It is inspiring.
We discussed what sort of items she could use. She needs to be mobile, to look for work, a home and so on. Whatever I brought her would need to fit in her luggage and be worth carrying around.
At home I tried to think in practical terms about what would be of use to her. It was an interesting mental exercise. What would I need if I were homeless but had to carry everything I owned?
I brought her a variety of useful things. Some she accepted and others she could not use. What she chose was interesting. I expected that the blankets, warm jacket and hat would be priorities. She did not want them. She did take a book, perfume (2 kinds, one a small Givenchy- I could see that she is a woman of taste and I figured it would do much to lift her spirits) food, a handy water bottle with water, the more attractive sweaters and scarves were chosen(not the warmest). The paper towels were a hit as were the body wipes, moisturizer, vitamins and a book bag. The toothpaste was not her brand (and she assured me that she'd have a home very soon and wouldn't need it), same with the soaps (she had plenty).
It seemed that Mrs. J did not want to take things that I could use (soap and toothpaste).
As for the warmer items, they are bulky and she's absolutely certain that she will have a home very soon.
I understand why she chose the more luxurious items. They are easier to carry yes, but mostly (I think) they celebrate better days ahead. A time when beautiful clothes and perfume will be required. They do not represent homelessness, being cold in a park. Though not practical I agree with her choices. She taught me a thing or two about faith and positive thinking. She is not setting up to be a homeless person because she will not be and that is that.
I told her that I had noticed how she always looks wonderful and always smiles and greets people. I told her that I found her strength and faith inspirational and she was touched.
She was humble and grateful for the help I offered. But did not allow any of this to make her feel like a lesser being. Her dignity and self-image are miraculously intact. Her manners are excellent.
My final gift was money, twenty dollars and some change. After speaking with her for some time I understood that she would starve before begging. I'd offered her coffee or tea (something warm) but she's too health conscious to take in caffeine. She prefers water or orange juice. Mrs J is particular about what she eats. She loved the fruit and nut bars I had brought. I feel that she deserves the dignity of being able to choose what to eat and when rather than waiting for a hand out. A little bit of money and some nice clothes and perfume can do a lot to empower a woman. I know from experience.
Finally we said goodbye. We won't see each other again because she will have a home tomorrow. I put that thought out into the universe for her so that it may be. If you have a moment, send out a quick prayer for her.
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Funny thing is... Despite all of the intensely interesting things I can do now that I am single with some cash and few obligations.. all of the amazing international, teach English, work for this star, that musician ... soooo many wonderful opportunities to spread my wings and fly all over the world, see things, meet people, live dreams and yet... won't do because no one will ever love or care for my cat and my dog as I do! Yeah, really. Not sure if I am a nice, loyal type, a sucker, or what. Regardless, I took on the obligation of caring for these creatures for life and that is what I will do as long as humanly possible. It has been easy and difficult and trying and inconvenient, in the way of my dreams, frustrating... and yet they are loyal, sweet, dependent creatures full of love. How on earth do people take on a marriage or child-rearing! Such a challenge. So much work and sacrifice! Having pets is difficult. I can say this about myself: I hung on to my marriage and still care for my pets, as my vows and promises would imply. Not what is easy or convenient for me. There are many interesting and exciting things I could have done and could still do. Regardless, I must be true to myself and my nature. I might occasionally lack experiments and excitement (mind you rarely)but at the end of the day I need to be who I am. Life is such a compromise! Love and stability demand sacrifice. New adventures and experiences demand that we leave safety and comfort behind. The goal is to balance new experiences with old loves. To balance what we need with what we want. No easy task. Not in the least. Most make a huge mess of it all. Gain requires some sort of loss. There is no easier way around it, far as I know. I hope that I do not make a mess of this. I pray that I do not. I pray that none of you do so. Best, C Current Mood:  contemplative
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FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone". You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION 1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.
50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION 2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION 3:
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your Significant Other...
What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION 4:
How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be
sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION 5 :
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Another perspective....
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance....It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention.... Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.
Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you
develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace it.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing
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