We'd like it back now, please. The sky is completely gray. It's glowing a bit, but no shine. This is dreary. My sympathies to friends how live in Vancouver and London UK.

Come Jan/Feb we'll have extremely bright and sunny days. Looking out the window you'd think it is time to break out your most beloved swim wear. That's when it's bloody arctic. Temperatures between 'are you sure you need to leave the home? you might lose a limb ' and 'don't even bother' Celsius.

Will, without shame, use pets for fur and warmth. Scamps makes a good wrap and Yaku is happy to curl up into my back. Wait...need one more for the feet... Then again there'd be revolt from current pets. Best not risk it.

Scamps is very healthy. He retains his bathroom and leather fetishes.

Yaku had 2 teeth removed and is on the brink of serious kidney issues. Doing what I can to prevent and reverse. The extremely saddening fact is that she is nearing the end of the life span for her breed. She looks great and is affectionate and reasonably active. It's so difficult to know for sure. She's a stoic little thing. Caught lime disease from a hike and fought it off- without my knowing! Unbelievable. The look on the vet's face was priceless. He couldn't believe the blood test results. They were confirmed. Yaku had slowed down but I just thought that was the end of her manic puppy phase. Tough as nails. Mommy's little warrior!

I'm hoping that the years spent taking her out and exercising her lots, buying organic foods and general pampering will result in her sticking around longer and being healthy enough to enjoy life as much as she ever has.

It is strange to watch a life begin from infancy, flourish and develop, then begin the decline in such little time.

Looking at job posts. Everything I'm passionate about is soul-wrenching advocacy work. Can I do something like that 40 plus hours a week and still be happy? Is it even possible?

It's that or go for 100% escapism and work in the travel industry. I am never simple.

Maybe a not-too-demanding job and a Master's that qualifies for counselling? Part-time private practice with part-time writing or government job/contract that involves some benefits....???

Or I could get into real estate. Could be good money in that, might be a bit dull but less chances of burn out and depression.

I really don't know.

Current Mood: confused

Lots of fun things planned, not up for any of it. Likely to cancel as I did last weekend.

Just realized that there are very few people I can be 'off' with. Who cheers up the cheerful person?

Should I stay in and mourn further? It has been a week of loss. Or am I better off going out and celebrating life?

I am still here. Others are gone. Now what the heck do I plan to do with MY time?

This guy friended me today (haven't responded). He clearly thinks about sex a lot. You should see this profile! Points for focus ;)

He does make some interesting points though. Are men so wrapped up in their own minds, in pleasing and thinking about 'should' 'ought to' and 'was that good enough'? I think this is likely. How do the sexes find a working balance?
Here is his post:

What do women really want in bed? Hours of foreplay? Not what a woman wants. Long soft caresses? Not what a woman wants. Direct genital grabbing. Probably what you want, but definitely not what a woman wants.

Gone are the days when men failed to even consider what a woman wants. When a man knew what he wanted and simply went after it. He got his satisfaction and didn't even worry about hers. Insensitive? Yes. National erectile dysfunction epidemic ? No. These days, men are over-concerned with pleasing women sexually. They have mastered the art of oral sex, take viagra to last longer and question "how do you like it?", "what do you want me to do?" or "how was I?" The pendulum has swung too far. Men have shifted from sexual selfishness to ingratiating and approval-seeking. Servility is the ultimate turn-off for women. This excessive focus on pleasing the woman---which men erroneously define by her orgasm--has created a pressure to perform that has resulted in anxiety, rampant sexual dysfuntion and low sexual confidence.

So, what do women really want? Women want a MAN. She wants to feel his masculinity. His strength and power. A confident man who knows what he wants and goes after it. Decisive. Take charge. Women in my practice often lament, " I want to be ravaged" or "I want to be man-handled." This is what makes a woman feel desired. That she is so sexy, you cannot control yourself--you must have her.Women become more sexual when they feel sexy.

Listen up guys ! It's not about the technique. It's about the dynamic. Put down your cunnilingus instruction manual and push her up against the wall, pull her hair or rip her clothes off. Instead of focusing on your erection, focus on appreciating her. Take her in with all of your senses. Feel her face, taste her neck and smell her hair. Kiss her with passion. Grab her with intent.Tell her with confidence what you are going to do her. Stop watching your performance and get back in the game. Rough sex can be fun..:)

No, that would imply that something is missing from each individual. I don't feel that way, most of my friends would agree.

I think that there are people we can have lovely adventures and cuddles with. On rare occasions we feel deeply connected to a person, be it romantic or friendship or some eerie, inexplicable familiarity. What we do with that connection: explore it, avoided it, fear it, ignore it, work on growing it or trying to convince ourselves that it never existed- is up to us.

The concept of the one that 'got away' has always amused me. Can't imagine there being much good in a situation where one had to restrain the other (unless you are into that sort of thing ;)

Tags: one that got away, soulmate, the one, writer's block

When the news first broke that David Carradine was found dead, hanging from a closet in a hotel in Bangkok, the BBC was the first to suggest that his death was the result of autoerotic asphyxiation. The second paragraph of their original article said…

Thai police told the BBC the 72-year-old was found naked by a hotel maid in a wardrobe with a cord around his neck and genitals.

“Genitals” (editors note - *teehee*) was later changed to “other parts of his body.” But now TMZ says a rep for Carradine is officially calling the death “accidental.”

Carradine’s body was found nude, hanging in a closet. David’s rep added, “We can confirm 100% that he never would have committed suicide. It was an accidental death. Everybody is in shock.”

Well, if he was hanging, and it wasn’t suicide, and he wasn’t in Mike Tysons playroom with it’s tentacle-like treadmill chords, and he wasn’t fighting Bruce Willis on a stairwell, that pretty much leaves jacking off. At best. At worst he was with some whores. Although that sounds pretty cool too. His penis died while exotic ladies strung him up with ropes. His penis was like Indiana Jones.

Had one of those special days in which emergencies and terrible news presented themselves. It seems to increase with the Christmas season. Everything gets bigger, more dramatic and final in peoples' minds. The end of the year, a chapter, a relationship, job...

A close friend's mother had a stroke a few days ago. The entire family has pulled together and efficiently tended to all that needed tending. They are upset, argue lots, are scared. But they also recognize that this is temporary - she will improve, the family business will be handled, they will stop being as unhappy and anxious as they are now, things will get better.

My own mother has less immediate yet serious and painful health problems. We are concerned about her well being too. But she can function to a point and can and does enjoy life for the most part.

Isn't that really enough to be grateful for? No one is perfect, few are 100% healthy, can't think of a single person who is completely satisfied with where they are right now in life. We all have goals and expectations; good things that keep us going, growing, improving. But we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. We can't assume that we will all live to be 70 or 80 yrs old, most people don't. We may or may not get that job/promotion/partner/perfect body/car/house, whatever it is that we feel we need to be happy/perfect/settled/accomplished.

Just went to top up my cup of tea and stepped into dog pee- really. Decided to add honey to my tea and change sock/clean up and not get upset about it.

Point is, life isn't perfect, neither are we. Perfect people are dull, perfect lives teach us nothing. Dog pee is wet. ;0

Right.

Pets keep me humble, even when I am in mid-ramble about the meaning of life, the universe and tuna fish ;) Sharing an epiphany with a wet sock, not how I saw my day wrapping up.

Where was I? Imperfection....be happy today...no tomorrows...things get better. Okay, no joy/sorrow/pain or pleasure last indefinitely. They are temporary emotions and sensations. We forget pain so quickly it is amazing, a great gift of the brain. Unfortunately it is also difficult to perfectly recall and re-experience pleasure. So I play a game, forget bad (much as possible) focus on and remember good. It's a way of cheating a bit more happiness for myself.

This evening I received a call from someone very close to me (call her X). She was in the ER, blood, pain- very scary stuff. I got there as soon as possible. I calmed myself and others down by emphasizing that, frightening as things seemed, chances were that it would be temporary. Most things are temporary, few things last forever. Most pain and illness are manageable and curable. If this weren't true we'd have far fewer people in existence and more would be limping and complaining ;) Hey, I've had my share of pain and illness! Today I feel pretty good (tired, allergies are acting up but okay overall), today is the day that matters.

After filling my bag with everything I could think of: cash in case we needed meds or a cab or food, a banana, bottle of water, various OTC meds, book, notepad, extra sweater, Kleenex, I got to the ER. X was crying, looked like she was in pain. She confided that she and Y, her boyfriend, where having problems. So he got sent off and X and I had a chat.

I listened to X for a long time and asked questions when I needed clarity. Kept my mind open and really listened to what she felt and not simply what she said. She was very confused and upset. A lot of stressful things had happened in her life recently and this illness was the last straw. She was ready to leave Y for various reasons. She asked me to help. I asked, "Why are you focusing on Y when you are in the ER? What about your health?" Her focus remained on Y, so I went to confront him about her concerns. Seemed like the best thing I could do to help her feel better so I did it.

Y said his piece and I concluded that he really does love X and that some of her negative feelings towards him were coming from outside of the relationship. She seemed to be deflecting immediate and overwhelming concerns onto the relationship- a safe place that she feels she can control more than she can the other things that were bothering her. It took hours of relationship counseling in the ER but we worked things out! Yay!

X's bleeding and pain subsided. After the counseling session she felt much better. Her anxiety was reduced. She was lowest priority in the ER and other people kept getting taken in before her. It was obvious that she would not be seen by a nurse for many more hours, at which point the test results would require a few more hours delay at which point the Dr would tell her to see her Dr tomorrow. There is not much they can do in an ER for the symptoms she had.

So we had the nurse check her pulse, temperature and blood pressure (all normal) and left. At this point X needed a hot shower, food and rest more than anything else. Her blood sugar had dropped and her pain had faded but she was feeling unwell due to a lack of food. Y and I fed her, they dropped me off at home. Both thanked me for the counseling session. X had been ready to stay with me for a bit rather than go home with Y. I was sooo happy to see that she wanted to go home with him. I had really helped :)

The relationship problems are on their way to being improved, they are together. X is not in pain but will see her Dr and work on figuring out what went wrong. Everyone had something to eat, even mom since I brought her something as well.

Mom is upstairs playing with the dog, sounding pretty silly ;P
The cat is purring in my lap.
My socks will get washed.
Will try to go with X to the Dr.
X and Y are sleeping in the same bed, probably holding each other. It is obvious that they love each other very much.

Temporary bad things.
Love, friends, family, pets... not so temporary.

Wow. What a day. Teary eyed. Grateful for and looking forward to tomorrow.

From a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




From a Cat's Daily Diary...





Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

Dear Ms. Jefferies continues to live in the local park.
It's getting too cold for her to be able to safely sleep outside and I am worried.

She once again rejected my offer of a warm blanket. She liked the burgundy one I'd brought for her earlier (she said she didn't need it but she liked it). I could not locate it (big move related mess) so I presented her with another blanket of the same material but a different colour and it simply would not do. She is still quite particular. On the bright side she is enjoying one of the sweaters I gave her, it suits her well and she wears it often.

She's miraculously managed to keep herself well and neatly put together. All of her gold and diamond jewelery has remained on her person. Not only has she managed to keep her jewelry (the neighborhood has obviously changed even more than I realized) she appears to be unharassed by the local trouble makers. I believe that she has befriended them. She is an enigma.

Ms J and I have had a few more conversations. She is a singer/song writer. She was kind enough to sing for me. We both enjoy the music of The Sounds of Blackness gospel choir and she sang one of their songs, Optimistic. It's an old favorite of mine and worth looking up on youtube. She also does a great job with Whitney Houston's material.

I suggested that she could make some money by taking on some students as a vocal coach. I also directed her to a nearby artists' colony where she could find a room for very little money and meet other artists. I mentioned that it is possible that the head of the colony would let out a room in trade for services. At least one other resident compensates by doing odd jobs and chores around the building. This place is only 2 blocks away from the park but she has not gone. I even offered to introduce her myself but she was very hesitant.

Ms. J seems to believe that she must suffer at this time in order to gain some sort of karmic brownie points that will translate into her suddenly finding success in the song writing field. She says that some of the songs she has written are currently being played and promoted by popular artists. She hopes that any day now she will be handed a nice big royalty check. She is constantly talking about other artists who hit rock bottom before rising to fame and fortune. I fear that she is prolonging her homelessness by failing to seek help because she believes that she is earning her reward(s) through suffering. Her faith remains strong, she remains optimistic. This is beautiful but the reality is that she cannot give in to her current situation. Winter is approaching.

Ms. J has a 12 yr old son. He seems to be with family and may not know that his mother is homeless.

Ms. Jefferies worked as a home care assistant for 17 yrs and has helped many people during difficult times.

Every shelter or church I mention she has already visited or is not interested in. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether or not she is being honest with me.

One night she seemed to be quite high. She was extremely hyper and talkative, uncharacteristically so. I do not begrudge her what little joy she can experience. I do wonder how much longer she can go on this way. I gave her a small amount of money and she swore that she'd spend it on food.

I still feel that she will pull through at the end of the day. Something about this woman encourages my own faith - in her, in humanity, in dreams. I don't know how else to describe it.
I'm not sure why it is so.

I am moving in a few days. Perhaps something will change for her before I leave. Perhaps I will come up with a brilliant idea that can help her.

Ideas and suggestions are welcome.

I am not okay with doing nothing.

Current Mood: determined

Oh yes, I just coined a new phrase. Phoenix people- those who just keep on rising up no matter how often or how hard life smacks them down.

For over a month now, I've noticed a homeless woman in the local park where I walk my dog. The first time I saw her I thought that she was traveling (she has a large suitcase with her) and on her way to a job interview - she was dressed in a smart beige suit and very well groomed. She looked like she was ready to take on the world and win.

She was there the next day, on the same bench. In a different outfit, looking lovely, with her suitcase. Then I noticed that she'd locked her suitcase to a fence with a metal chain so that no one could steal it from her. This seemed very odd.

Eventually I worked out that the park had become her temporary home. She was always well groomed and would smile at and/or greet nearly everyone in the park. She is young, attractive, her clothes are nice. It seemed that she'd hit a rough spot but would be on her feet in no time.

But time passed, weeks. Finally, this morning I approached her. I mentioned that it was getting cold and offered to get her a blanket from my home. We spoke for a while. She insisted that she was fine and that I shouldn't bother because she'd be off the streets by tomorrow. I asked if she'd contacted various shelters, she had but they were not helpful or to her liking. The name she gave me is Mrs. Jefferies. She's a fairly private person and so I didn't ask too many questions. I just wanted to help her in any way I could and did not want to pry. I don't know why she is homeless.

Mrs. J is attractive, intelligent and literate (we talked about books and I brought her some). She shared tips on grooming and vitamins with me. She is very dignified and polite. Her faith is enormous - she is certain that all will work out for the best and that God will provide. I could see how her faith was keeping her sane and strong during this difficult time. It is inspiring.

We discussed what sort of items she could use. She needs to be mobile, to look for work, a home and so on. Whatever I brought her would need to fit in her luggage and be worth carrying around.

At home I tried to think in practical terms about what would be of use to her. It was an interesting mental exercise. What would I need if I were homeless but had to carry everything I owned?

I brought her a variety of useful things. Some she accepted and others she could not use. What she chose was interesting. I expected that the blankets, warm jacket and hat would be priorities. She did not want them. She did take a book, perfume (2 kinds, one a small Givenchy- I could see that she is a woman of taste and I figured it would do much to lift her spirits) food, a handy water bottle with water, the more attractive sweaters and scarves were chosen(not the warmest). The paper towels were a hit as were the body wipes, moisturizer, vitamins and a book bag. The toothpaste was not her brand (and she assured me that she'd have a home very soon and wouldn't need it), same with the soaps (she had plenty).

It seemed that Mrs. J did not want to take things that I could use (soap and toothpaste).
As for the warmer items, they are bulky and she's absolutely certain that she will have a home very soon.

I understand why she chose the more luxurious items. They are easier to carry yes, but mostly (I think) they celebrate better days ahead. A time when beautiful clothes and perfume will be required. They do not represent homelessness, being cold in a park. Though not practical I agree with her choices. She taught me a thing or two about faith and positive thinking. She is not setting up to be a homeless person because she will not be and that is that.

I told her that I had noticed how she always looks wonderful and always smiles and greets people. I told her that I found her strength and faith inspirational and she was touched.

She was humble and grateful for the help I offered. But did not allow any of this to make her feel like a lesser being. Her dignity and self-image are miraculously intact. Her manners are excellent.

My final gift was money, twenty dollars and some change. After speaking with her for some time I understood that she would starve before begging. I'd offered her coffee or tea (something warm) but she's too health conscious to take in caffeine. She prefers water or orange juice. Mrs J is particular about what she eats. She loved the fruit and nut bars I had brought. I feel that she deserves the dignity of being able to choose what to eat and when rather than waiting for a hand out. A little bit of money and some nice clothes and perfume can do a lot to empower a woman. I know from experience.

Finally we said goodbye. We won't see each other again because she will have a home tomorrow. I put that thought out into the universe for her so that it may be. If you have a moment, send out a quick prayer for her.